The Dating Jungle: Man As Hunter

Do you know, as a single guy I have been asked many times recently by girls if I can explain basic male behavior in terms that we can all understand. Laborious chats over much wine have led to my lady friends confessing that all is not well in the world of reading what men are thinking. So the Singles Files decided to take a look. It appears that even in our advanced culture, the sexes still present the simplest misunderstandings. Men constantly appear to be a mystery when dating, and even as a man, I agree that we can be as frustrating and perplexing to the uninitiated. So it's back to basics for us today.

Millions of years of evolution haven't clouded human nature and even the most skillful women dater will have encountered male antics that defy belief. 'He acts like a Neanderthal' she may say. And do you, know, she isn't far wrong. Why? Simple, man is a hunter; that is what he was designed to do: Hunt. Which essentially means that in the world of dating the man wants to hunt you, even if you are the easiest catch on earth. Women forget this fact and ignore it at their peril. To get the man you want, you have to make them chase you and feel like they have achieved something when they eventually get to put their arm round your waist and give you a perfect kiss. If that sense of achievement is missing, your hunter will go on searching.

Okay so let's move on to the Savannah plain to explain further. How do we know what men want and like. Well all hunters want to catch the lioness, she with the thick mane and feline grace, queen of the jungle. Men will convince themselves that they could catch the lioness if they so wanted because they all like to think they are king of the jungle. But today they are too tired to do anything about it. That is exactly what happens when your hunters gather in bars together. They discuss the ones that got away and their prowess out in the field. However, you know and I know that the hunters out there are fooling themselves. They know deep down that they don't have the ability to catch the queen of the jungle, but they like to think that they might, maybe.

No, instead our intrepid hunters will seek out the slightly (but not necessarily) easier target, the more satisfying and certainly beautiful prey, the Gazelle. The gazelle you see can be found in packs out any weekend night with their Gazelle friends. Gazelles live next door, or across the street. They are beautiful creatures and fairly obtainable: But not without a fight. So the chase is on. Which of our hunters will success in capturing his gazelle this weekend? The more they hunt and chase; and the longer they are made to chase, the more rewarded they will feel when they finally succeed. And inevitably our hunter will settle down and give up hunting. But only if his Gazelle makes him feel like he has succeeded and is a true catch. Now our hunter believes he caught his Gazelle all by himself, but maybe just maybe, the Gazelle let herself be caught. Eventually.

On the down side of our make believe Savannah is the antelope. Now our hunter wants the lioness and he tries to convince himself he could capture her if he really wanted but it is too much like hard work. He really knows that he will capture his Gazelle in all reality, but when Gazelles are scarce and hard to come by, he will go for the easy target, the antelope. Down in the bar on a Friday evening there are few Gazelles about but the antelope is grazing nearby so he pounces and achieves a result straight away. There is no chase, no thrill and hardly any sense of achievement, but it staves off his hunger for now. Tomorrow the hunt will begin again.

The antelope doesn't fair too well out of this scenario but she was never going to put up too much of a chase and he was never going to be satisfied with the outcome. So at the next opportunity your hunter will be off seeking the gazelles once again, with a sly look in the direction of the lioness in a wishful thinking kind of way. And what if the hunter does finally get his gazelle, will he be satisfied? Invariably yes. The lioness is out of reach and far too scarce. The lioness may represent perfection in our hunters' Savannah plain and he may even think about what if every now and again. However if he did catch the lioness, she would probably eat him alive! But the man as hunter will be extremely happy with his sense of achievement. The antelope will always lose out because she cannot provide our hunters with what they need and desire most - chase, thrill and an implicit satisfaction with the end result.

Where it all goes badly wrong is when the lioness, gazelle and even antelope go hunting the hunter. The hunter doesn't know what to do and is not designed to cope in such situations. The hunter will be frightened and run away. So the important point to make is that allow the hunter to feel he is doing the chasing, even if secretly, he isn't. The hunter will still feel like he deserves the feeling of success and achievement even if you led him to you.

Our urban jungles are full all such creatures. Hunters are everywhere. The unbelievably attractive and desirable lioness with her Manolo Blahnicks? Our hunter lusts after her but will rarely obtain. The beautiful Gazelle next door who puts up an excellent enough chase that the hunter will eventually settle with. The dowdy antelope is simply too obtainable to present a challenge. Now do not feel demeaned by this because of course your hunter is still the Neanderthal but if you think of our world on this level it becomes easier to get inside a man's head. Men do love to chase girls and they will always fall for the one who makes them chase the longest and hardest. It's nature in full throw. They do hanker after the catwalk beauties in our society but men are not so stupid, in reality most know they have little chances of success. Only the most confident men will even bother to chase at all.

So if you want to bring your hunter into the fold, keep him chasing you girls, long after he thinks he has caught you, still keep him chasing. You maybe the lioness or the Gazelle but he will thank you for it. After all, maybe just maybe, men are the simplest of creatures to please. Whatever you do in our dating jungle, never allow yourself to be the antelope.

Watch your step girls; it certainly is still a jungle out there.

Lazy Men: Remove Their Comfort Zone

One of the biggest criticisms of men is that they are lazy, they get too complacent, far too comfortable, especially in relationships. They think they have got you and think they can keep you with the minimal amount of effort. And to be honest, they often manage it. Why? Because you let them. By the time you have woken up to the fact that your new man is not trying, its often too late to change things, or him. You can of course leave him and often you do, but only after your man has wasted months of your relationships time.

So why does it happen in the first place? Well men are designed like hunters. They like hunting, generally in packs and sometimes alone. Either way, they are doing the chasing for women like you. The problem arrives like a bolt of lightening when they wake up one day with you beside them and realize that they have got you and you appear content. Appear being the operative word. They are in a relationship with you and the chasing has stopped (or so they think). Take away a man's raison d'être and what have you got, a lazy man.

Remember that I blamed you. Well of course that's only partially true. But the fact is, if you don't keep your man standing on quicksand, he will lay down and go to sleep. As a man likes to chase, he likes to feel he has achieved greatness by achieving you as his girlfriend. Once he has done that he will proudly display his trophy and be content. He will set about creating his idea of perfect domestic bliss and being loved-up you will go along with it. What you may not realize is that you are putting up with a lot of crap along the way in the early stages. You may well know it , but unless you have kept him in check some ground rules may have been set. To become his mother is not the path to relationship heaven.

The question is, can you keep him on his toes. Can you keep him wanting you as if he was fighting for his life? Of course you can, you just need to do it that's all. He is going to call you at work and ask what time you are home. He is going to make assumptions that you are doing some things he likes this weekend. He will assume you love spending your weekend with his nieces and nephews. You are going to let him do that? Of course not. You are going to make him worry. Unnecessarily of course because you love him. But this is for his and your own good before it is too late.

The path to relationship heaven with a man is to make him work for you, to date you, to want you, as if you were the only woman to walk the earth. You do that by changing his expectations and goalposts continually after you have become a couple. To settle in to domestic routine is to allow him to move into a comfort zone you will later regret. At first you may feel you want that too. You both want to be domesticated and fall into a routine. But then you will panic.

Who does the washing, cleaning and ironing ? Was it decided that you were the best at it? When you first met him, his shirts were perfectly laundered and you didn't do them then. Who said you could cook better than him? Remember that perfect meal he made you on your third date? Where did those culinary skills go? Remember getting up at 6am to make you a surprise breakfast in bed, who said that had to stop? Little by little, you begin collecting his socks from the floor by the bed, you turn the TV off after he has fallen asleep on the sofa at 11pm. You pick him up from the bar after his regular night out with his buddies. And you blame him for getting comfortable? Okay , so it is time to do something about it.

You don't need to change your man if you start early enough, because he is there for the molding. Men are starting to be aware that women implant ideas in their heads and let the guy take the credit but they are not yet generally advanced enough to make an issue of this. So plant away all you like. He will accept. The fact is, you need to ensure your man is never ever allowed to lay down flat in the comfort zone. Every now and again you have to stir things up and be as equal in ground rules from the very start, as he. Ignore this at your peril.

How many times have you heard men say, I only realized how much I love you after I lost you? That is because their comfort zone was rudely removed and they woke up. So your task is to not allow them to go to sleep in the first place. We all want a quiet life with no head games. We don't need to play carefully constructed games as we get older? Ehm, I think you will find that you do. Nice games, but games that allow you to mature together before your relationship falls apart. You can be comfortable after 40 years of marriage in your dotage like your parents but to reach that point you better make sure that your man never takes you for granted. Not unless you want a life of unfulfillment.

Men will and do take their girls for granted because they are allowed to get away with it. By the same token, men love to chase their girls and feel huge pride in loving a real catch. To be the real catch you have to keep him fishing. And from time to time you need to get him to change the bait on his hook. Why would he look elsewhere at another women if he is constantly wanting and needing you? Let him take you for granted and watch what happens! So it is down to you to make that happen, to keep him chasing you. You could argue that you want a lazy life too and don't want to get the man you love to stand on quicksand. Fair enough, the problem is you will realize all too late that you are not happy with your later situation and by then, maybe it's too late.

To keep your man interested and chasing you may want to follow some of the tips here:

• Keep him out of his comfort zone by making rules early on, even if he doesn't like them
• Make sure he realizes just how desirable you are to others
• Never become lazy yourself
• Don't be at his beck and call
• Ensure you retain your friends, interests, vacations and activities to a degree
• Never allow him to think you are reliant on him
• Keep some of your finances separate
• Don't always return his phone calls
• Don't allow him to know what you are thinking all the time
• Socialize without him occasionally
• All domestic duties are shared, no excuses
• Threaten to dump him occasionally
• Use all your womanly powers that you employ so well in the early stages of dating
• Change your mind about things occasionally and keep him guessing
• Ensure you retain male friends you had before
• Find his weak spots and use them when need be
• Do not run around after him
• Get him to do the laundry
• Go on vacation with your friends

A relationship is equal through and through. Let him get the upper hand and allow him to become too comfortable and he will abuse the situation. Just make sure you don't allow it to happen in the first place.

What Men Really Want In Modern Relationships

Women often tell me that men confuse them and that they are unsure what a man is really looking for. They have tried to please them in the past and it hasn't worked so no, the man can concentrate on pleasing them or leave. If the media is to be believed, many women don't care what a man is looking for anymore because they have been empowered by their own sexuality and are comfortable in their new role as sexually liberated career woman in charge of their own destiny. In which case, as long as the man wants them, that is fine.

It doesn't matter whether that view is actually true or not. What is true is that the modern man is increasingly struggling to find his place in the world. The Armed Forces and Space programs quite rightly have very highly qualified career women working in their departments and in most aspects of industry, women are excelling. The old male bastions are crumbling and with them their innate self respect as well as their understanding of how they should act and what they desire.

Any woman reading this may say well it's a problem for men and they should deal with it. Absolutely I can reply, but you cannot expect miracles instantly. Generations of history dictating a man's role and function cannot be decided and altered in the space of 20 years without some fallout. Few can argue against the excitement felt by women as their empowerment continues but at the same time, one must expect issues to coincide with this. And one of those as I said is the question of understanding what the modern man is looking for.

Men have started to evolve and are starting to grasp the fact that their role may not be as it once was. 'Starting' is the operative word because this does not mean that there aren't large swathes of the world where men insist on being the breadwinner and women should still remain at home rearing children. It is going to take a long time to change the world. However in our western cities a change is in full swing. Men know that to find a mate they are going to have to work harder than ever before and they are aware that women call the shots far more than ever before. But this doesn't essentially change what a man is looking for.

Okay so what is a man seeking?

• First of all a man is seeking a love-interest. This may surprise many women but men like to love and they like being loved in return. The problem is that many women come across as impassioned and cold. It is not easy to find a loving woman and it is very noticeable how many men try and hang on when they think they have found their Miss Right.

• Men are seeking a woman who is attractive to them. Women may despair that men can be so shallow and that looks could matter so much but be careful. Men aren't necessarily looking for a catwalk model and many men don't like women who weigh 80lbs. But men do want a woman who takes pride in their appearance (though not excessively). Men are proud of having a girlfriend who looks good and I don't believe any man who says otherwise.

• Men are looking for a trustworthy girl, someone they can have faith in and someone who will be there for them. This may sound like an odd thing to say, but the fact is, some women are not trustworthy and many are not faithful either. So many in fact that men are increasingly wary. That kiss at a Christmas party may not count, or the flirtatious behavior with the gorgeous barman and in fact its all great fun and part of a woman's character. But reverse the situation and as a woman, you hate him doing the same. A man can never forgive a woman being unfaithful and so he is looking for someone who he really does trust.

• Men want to make a home eventually and are looking for a woman who will be a willing sharer in home life. Women with a sociable lifestyle are attractive because they can be relied upon to keep the social diary running in a long term relationship.

• Men are seeking women who are feminine gentle and kind because deep down the qualities that make a woman a great mother are an attraction in themselves. I am not suggesting that the man himself needs mothering, though some do, it is more the point that men seek the attributes in women that point to someone who would make a great mother to future offspring.

• Men want women with a great sense of humor. Women often come across as uptight or too bothered by too many small details. You will sometimes hear mention of a girl who is 'one of the boys'. What this means is that she is able to fit in with their humor and is sociable and fun to be with. Such women are extremely attractive to many men. Men want to have a good time and relax when not working and so their ideal partners are women who are able to do the same.

• Men are looking for women who retain their femininity and and are caring and kind. In recent years, aping men may be a female fashion statement, but it doesn't make them attractive. Whilst every woman in the world burps and farts and has the right to drink pints of beer, it doesn't necessarily attract them to the opposite sex. Women can get angry and say well men will just have to get used to it, but the issue is that they don't. They can just choose not to go for women who act in the same way as their drinking buddies.

• Men want someone who is supportive. Many women are quick to criticize men in their behavior, career and set about trying to alter them and mould them. This is a crucial mistake. Men can be manipulated yes, but they see their partnerships as support systems. The best relationships work both ways in terms of support. Where a woman is not able or willing to give that support and is too quick to criticize then she may lose her man.

• Men don't like angry women who shout. They want a woman who can debate and converse and is able to discuss. Communication is king. A fiery passionate temperament may have made you interesting and challenging on day one. But by day 500 it holds no glory whatsoever.

• Men love a challenging woman, someone who keeps them on their toes. Men are generally lazy in relationships once they feel they're in secure territory. When a man is challenged so he does something about it. If you want to keep your man interested, keep him challenged.

• Men are generally more reserved about sex than women. This is my experience is a fact. Men know what they like in bed and tend to stick to it. The adventurous sexual appetite in most men isn't there even if they are convinced it is. Men in reality are quite conservative. Sexually adventurous has nothing to do with having lots of partners and more to do with the things they will try with the same partner. In most test cases I have conducted, it is the man who looks for a quiet time in the bedroom and the woman who ultimately becomes bored.

• Men want a woman who will commit to them. Though increasingly this is hard to find, it doesn't take away the wish. Men want a girlfriend who they can share with and trust and be open with. Commitment is not a one way street and therefore men are struggling to find the levels of commitment they found previously. But the need is still there.

• Men don't want to be alone.

This column can easily fire a great debate and I may be accused of being completely wrong but that is the beauty of opinions. We all have them. The fact is, a modern man is seeking a reliable, sexy, single girl with whom he can have a long term relationship with. He wants to have fun, share his life and ultimately settle down. There are a few long term bachelors but not that many. The problem guys have is that the world has changed. They don't necessarily want to have children and settle down straight away, but it will come. They do seek self-respect even if they are not the primary breadwinner and they seek respect from their partner.

Whilst women become increasingly strong in their new roles in society, it is worth remembering that it takes, and always will take, two to tango.

The Search for Mr. Right

Does Mr. Right exist? Is he out there somewhere? Will I find him?

Mr. Right is a key subject for many women and an inspiration of hope on a daily basis. Yes he may well exist, yes he is probably out there and yes you WILL find him! Of course in all our lives we have goals, aims, ambitions and desires small and large. It is these landmarks and goalposts that keep us positive and busy. It is what makes us human. In recent years the terms Mr. Right and Miss Right have become over used and devalued. Almost as if we have a chart on our wall , an extensive tick list, a resume of specifics that the person in question must submit to get his foot through the door of the "potentials" interview.

Most of us would deny we are that bad and hope that chance will take a hand in bringing Mr. Right to us. Yes we accept that we have a small but insignificant "list" and yes we accept that there are some 'definites' on it which are nonnegotiable, but they are fairly minor. Or are they? The fact of the matter is that as the decades have passed by, we have become far more sophisticated, as humans, as individuals, as lovers and mates. We know how to orgasm, we have a good salary and a nice home and are well educated in the ways of the world. Therefore it is only fair that we seek someone to match, to fit in, to adapt, to accompany, to facilitate. And there lays the issue.

The fact is that Mr. Right also has a tick list, an agenda, only a small one of course, but a list all the same, and he is ticking off your assets as we speak. He wants someone young, someone well educated, someone good looking and in shape. We are indignant, how shallow we cry. Typical man we sigh. Yet are we any better? Look at your list and look very carefully at what or who constitutes your Mr. Right. And then look again. Are you sure first of all that your tick list is achievable? Yes, or are you willing to negotiate? Okay so you are happy with your list. Then what?

Well now, are you willing to go out and get your Mr. Right or are you waiting for him to come to you? Many women tell me they are waiting for Mr. Right. The word "waiting" concerns me. By waiting it means men come to you by chance, perhaps by design and you tick off their assets, your check them out and then cast off anyone who doesn't match your list. Maybe you do, but remember this my friends, Mr. Right is looking for his Miss Right? How much work have you put into being Miss Right or should he accept you as you are and fit in around you? If he did slot in to your life would he really be Mr. Right or an accouterment, an asset, a trinket that you would get bored of?

The thing I am asked by eligible men more than anything these days is, "where have all the nice girls gone". Think about those words carefully. These men are not asking where the doormats went, the punch bags, the housewife slaves. Not at all. No what they are asking is where all the women went who don't have a huge checklist as long as their admittedly muscular arms. Most men simply want someone to love, someone who they can dote on in their own ways and who they can feel special and share with. The problem for them is that they are not finding it because they are constantly under 'resume-pressure'. They are told they must adapt and fit in, they are trying to fulfill their part of the list bargain and then they are faced with the Miss Rights out there.

As a potential Miss Right you owe it to yourself to complete a few tasks. Take a long hard look at your list and ask yourself exactly how flexible you are being. Secondly look at who your Mr. Right is and how truthfully obtainable they are. Thirdly, don't kid yourself about your own potentials but don't compromise on ideals either. Fourthly, bring yourself out into the open and go after your Mr. Right.

Don't play the waiting game because you do not want to spend the rest of your life knowing your Mr. Perfect is married to someone else when he could have been yours. And finally, compromise is the key in reality, for all the things Mr. right must be, try and balance that with attempting to be something your Mr. Right doesn't want to miss.

Thoughts On Possessive and Jealous Men

By far the biggest problem in our dating world are jealous and possessive men. Whilst they are desperate to find a woman they can love and adore, once they have found her possessive men most often do not believe they can keep hold of her due to a lack of self-confidence, self-respect and self-belief. They don't truly believe they deserve the girl so they try and subjugate her to rely on them and increase the woman's sense of dependency. It is all too common these days as more and more men feel uneasy about who they truly are and lack self-esteem.

The first hurdle a woman faces is in not being able to spot a jealous and possessive man in advance. He is charming and good-looking, he has the world at his feet so it appears and you have absolutely no reason to think he isn't prince charming. And maybe he is Mr. nice-guy at this stage. But if you know then what you later discover things would be much easier.

I first spotted possessive-man-syndrome whilst working for a few years in a regular job in an English city. At the end of day I would walk home to my apartment and was always impressed as to how many boyfriends sat patiently in their cars waiting to pick up their girlfriends and wives from work. I dare say in retrospect a few were genuine but it took me some months of seeing the same faces before I cottoned on to the fact that these guys were not there for the best of reasons. The cat was let out of the bag by a woman friend who said that she could never go for a drink after work because her boyfriend didn't like it and always insisted he picked her up from work at 5pm on the dot. If she needed to go anywhere she had to let him know in advance.

This shocking revelation may be will known to many women readers but for a guy I hadn't realized at that time quite how large the problem was. The key issue it appears is a man's low self-esteem. Usually the possessive and jealous guy believes his lady will be stolen away from him. He doesn't trust her or her words of love and ignores the fact that she stays with him. He feels she is plotting to escape at any turn, looking for a way out and doesn't really love him at all. Why? Simply because he feels he doesn't deserve her and deep down believes she could do far better than him.

This causes the possessive man a dilemma. If she would really like to run away then how can I make her stay. Easy, what I will do is make her dependent on me, make her need me and want me and have no need to be anywhere but with me. Even if I go out every night with my male buddies. The man doesn't love himself so he doesn't understand why she loves him either. But he needs to feel she does, so he needs to have demonstrations as to how far she will go for him. He will promote the positive attitude of staying at home together and group social activities will be extinguished. At home you are where he can see you.

As a relationship develops the possessive man will find ways of ensuring you are there for him. He will create fictitious scenarios where he needs your help and assistance which affect your social routine. Rather than meeting friends you will be assisting him. Of course at first this is all part of romantic relationship building. After all you want to spend as much time as possible with the man you love. Bit by bit he will divorce you for your everyday friends and activities, even spending time illustrating how your friends are not really your true friends. He is isolating you for his own needs.

Once he has done that he will also then criticize you and make you feel bad about yourself to ensure that you too have low self esteem. If you don't feel good about yourself then how will anyone else ever want you. He will tell you how lucky you are to have him and he will always love you for who you are. And eventually he will build up that degree of dependence (and fear) so much that you will truly believe that what he says is true. Your own identity becomes a thing of the past and your friends will make many worried comments to you that you will ignore or make excuses for.

At this stage you are now where he wants you, isolated and dominated. He feels better about himself because you depend on him, but he will never trust you, because he will always believe that there is a conspiracy that you will escape. That you don't really love him after all. He needs constant demonstration and proof that you do. Your friends and his will not know any of this though they may suspect. He will still be the great social guy in groups. Bit it can get to the point where you dread going out socially in case you get a hard time when you get home. This my friends, is not what your life is all about. This isn't why we date and have relationships. Yes we all want to feel desired, wanted and loved in our lover's eyes. But not like this.

A little jealousy, ironically can go along way. Women (and men) like being loved and wanted and a secure arm round the waist drawing you in can be great fun. Small amounts of jealousy (very small in a playful way) can be attractive and sexy. But its knowing when things have gone too far that matters. Many women have admitted to me that a man who has not a single jealous bone in his body cannot really love her. A man needs to show he cares by drawing her in occasionally. Both parties feel good from this. But it has to be kept under control.

There are many reasons why men are becoming more possessive in today's society and we all have our own theories. It is possible that with the rise of women in the workplace and in determining their own independence financially and socially, that men feel increasingly threatened. Their traditional role as husband and father, the dominant voice in the household, is increasingly archaic and has little place in current society. Instead they are desperately attempting to reposition themselves in a relationship and find out what their new role really is. But old habits die hard and men still try and cling on to the ways in which they were brought up. It will take time for men to learn that they are not always the primary focus in a relationship and must give as much attention to the needs of their partner, as they give to him. And to be honest I do not expect miracles overnight.

Men who don't feel good about their own domestic roles, their lack of masculinity, their frustrations with their own poor career, their lack of financial success, their dominant parental influences and their general lack of well-being can all assist in the progression of possessive tendencies. To own someone is not to have them. To be loved is an open invitation, not something to be captured and kept imprisoned.

A happy, confident, self-assured man doesn't have issues about possession and jealousy. No although many aspects of a relationship may be shared, he also treasures his girlfriend's independence and her assured separate set of values, as she does in him. Relationships are about sharing but also about retaining freedom of self expression and personal identity. Realtionships are also about innate trust.

There was an interesting article recently in a national newspaper about how dominant career women with great success and financial wealth often still had very dominant partners at home. Let us not confuse manliness and masculinity with possessiveness. Jealousy and possessiveness is about stripping away confidence, esteem and dignity. It is about subjugating and decrying the needs of the injured party for the wishes of the stronger force. That has no place in our modern world.

I am stopping short of discussing violent partners because we move into the realm of specialist and professional problems and therefore specialist help. If you have a violent partner I do not believe you will change him/her by your own efforts, and the way forward is through professional counseling for them only. My own recommendation would be to get out of there away from these people with very serious emotional problems as fast as possible before they destroy you too. I have know a number of girls whose partners have been violent and never was there a happy outcome in the relationship. Some men sense a weakness, a submissiveness in a woman and will work away on it, subjugating them until they become defenseless. More than once I have heard how the psychological battering was far worse than fists. But in any case, there is massive support network to help you move on to a better life if you are able to make the necessary first steps.

Jealous and possessive men are sad and pathetic creatures who are all too common today. As a woman you do not need ever to put up with them and neither do they really deserve you. The huge irony involved is that had the guy been relaxed and self-assured he would probably have never lost you in the first place, but his low self-esteem meant that he forced to happen what he most dreaded. You leaving him. If you are reading this and have yet to leave, then you will need your friends and family to assist as you are dealing with a person with serious psychological issues. He will try and keep you and will use any psychological measure he can to make you need him and come back. He will work on the weak spots he has already created in you.

But do try and take heart. Many women have been in the same situation and moved on. Even if it is very hard. As women become increasingly confident in their own lives, so some men fall away into lesser self-esteem. There are lots of really nice guys out there to date and love and the one you have is not the one who will make you happy, whatever he says. It can take a long time to heal some of the trauma you have been put through, but the fact is, it is your life and your world and if you want to do whatever you like to make yourself happy, that is 100% your prerogative to do so. We don't need jealous and possessive men in this world and the sooner they sort themselves out without your help, the better.

Danger Signals:

• Dismay and suggestions as to how you should dress
• Overly concerned about where you are going when socializing
• Insistence on escorting you to mundane places
• Interference with your social plans
• Excessive phone calls to know your whereabouts
• Overly intense nature to anything
• Inability to communicate and discuss
• Putting you down and anything that makes you feel inferior
• Lack of outlook and poor self-esteem or lack of confidence
• Dominant overtones in domestic arrangements
• Aggressive temper and unreasonable attitude to minor details

How To Use Body Language To Your Advantage When Dating

This is the language where you don't need any words. Women have been doing it for hundreds of years - to attract the man they want. Becoming fluent in body language will ensure that you will be skilled in attracting the right man, and sending the get-lost signal to the wrong man.

Eyeing Up the Prize

The more eye contact you establish with the target, the better. Start with some sidelong glances. Then, begin with direct eye contact. Once he turns to meet your gaze, immediately lower your eyes and smile to yourself, this will tell him that you were watching him and are embarrassed that he caught you - a sure sign of interest. Next, be bold and try holding his stare, flashing a small, open-lipped smile.

If there is a man that is giving you the eye and you are not interested, look away from him and don`t look back at him again. When in conversation, looking at the ceiling and all around the room, also shows a definite lack of interest.

First Impressions Count

You leave your home ready to go to a party when you spot your gorgeous neighbor, and he doesn't give you a second glance. Why? Because you aren't dressed your best. When you enter a room, most people look to see who has come in. This is when you have to make an impression. Looking your best will make you feel your best. So make sure that before you leave your front door, look your best, and you never know you might just attract the attention of that gorgeous neighbor.

The Hand Job (no, not what you are thinking!)

Even without direct contact, your hands can send very powerful messages. There are a number of ways to convey that you want to get to know someone. Keeping your hands unclenched shows you're open to him. Using your hands to caress objects, such as the rim of your glass, locks of your hair, or the sleeve of your blouse, in a rhythmic (as opposed to fidgety) manner, can be a sensual act. And for the braver hands, try picking fluff off his jacket, touching him to punctuate a point, or using the "accidental touch" when reaching for the salt.

Hands that are jammed in pockets, busy cleaning glasses, or balled in tight fists are all bad signs. Fingers tapping, drumming, pointing, or wagging are also signals to move on.

Stand Out

Your posture is one of the most telling signals you transmit. An open posture is evidence of an open person. Turning your body toward the man you're conversing with, keeping your feet flat on the floor and leaning forward are actions that show interest. As well, slightly tilting your head, crossing and uncrossing your legs, and thrusting your chest forward give the message that you are interested.

As for ways to send a man packing, crossing your arms, holding a drink high in front of you, turning your body away or resting your feet on their toes will tell a person you are not interested.

A Few Extra Tips

Hopefully by now, you have an attack plan and a clear idea of when it's time to get down and dirty, or when you're best just to wave the white flag. Here are just a few more tips when trying to perfect your body language skills:

• You'll know things are going really well when you begin "mirroring" one another's body language and gestures.


• Don`t tease him by offering more than you plan to follow through. This can lead to very ugly circumstances.


• Chain smoking, being extremely intoxicated, or having eyes only for your plate of food will not put you in the best standing for the body language game.


• If you try your hand at it, and he's not responding, abort the mission immediately.…


• Following him around all night will only serve in making you look needy and desperate.

And finally, if all else fails, buy yourself a T-shirt that reads, "Looking for Love."

Dating Rules For Women

Guys, if you don't like this, tough - look away now.

In another dating article on this site you will find a general set of rules than men should follow when dating. In the same way women have some general rules that they should content with when entering the dating jungle. Now I know everyone is different so don't take things too seriously here. There has been some controversy over some literature published recently in the USA that sets out in detail the rules a woman should follow to get her guy (or woman). Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider's 1995 bestseller "The Rules," explains how women should play hard if they want to get their guy. I can understand why some groups would be hostile but the fact is when we grow up there are a predefined set of dating rules. All that happens is that we forget most of them after the age of 21 and then find we need to relearn them.

I wish there weren't any general rules and we just got on with it but courtship is a ritual; there are things that we make happen that excite stimulate, create interest, confound etc. Dating is a long test of compatibility. Are we perfectly matched? If we just threw ourselves together then the chances of long term happiness may be reduced. And yet previous generations managed to succeed on a far less complex courtship criteria list. Many arranged marriages work too interestingly.

In every society there are a predefined set of social rules we follow, from the way and timing of eating to the way we behave in public. The issue here is that when women date there are things that can help them be more successful. If we accept that dating is a game then there are rules to that game and winners and losers. If you know the rules in advance it gives you a head start. If men know the rules by which you are playing you may change the rules to suit the situation to keep the man guessing. Men love a challenge so feel free to adapt rule and add them as you feel inclined.

You can separate rules out into two parts, dating and online dating. Both areas have distinct rules that a woman should follow for dating success.

General Dating Rules

• Always look great, whatever your income. Gorgeous hair and some lipstick and wearing rags will still turn his head. You have the advantage, you are the woman. Look your best as you could meet a potential Mr. Right anywhere at any time.

• Never reveal information you don't have to. An enigmatic woman drives men wild.

• Keep dates brief but your men interested. Less is always more.

• Try and stay in shape and involve some fitness regime at a gym. However much you hate it, your Mr. Right loves your body as much as your mind.

• Let your man pay. If he is interested, he is interested enough to ensure you eat well and get home safely in a cab.

• Ensure you receive flowers, if he doesn't know what a florist is, dump him.

• Never ever sleep with a guy until he has fallen for you. Sex early in your dating game plan will ruin everything.

• Always keep a guy waiting and never turn up early. It is a lady's perogative.

• Never be available when he wants you to be. Never be at the end of a phone when he calls and always let him leave a message or two first before replying.

• If he is available Tuesday, you are available Thursday.

• Weekend shopping trips with girlfriends are sacred and not available for dates.

• Keep your man standing on quicksand by shifting landmarks and goalposts constantly.

• Ensure you are a good kisser. Men will walk away if you cannot kiss. Practise on a mirror if you have to.

• Never ever talk about previous boyfriends and particularly their prowess in the bedroom. The number of ex boyfriends is your business only.

• Never pre suppose anything about your date until you choose to know him better. You cannot always tell by looking

• If any man shows the slightest signs of possessiveness or insecurity run like the wind. Life is too short for boys.

• If his shoes or hygiene are a disgrace dump him

• Never talk too much about your father and how your date measures up in comparison.

• Never ever come across as too available or too desperate, he will run a mile. He is the one doing the chasing remember.

• If the guy in the corner is gorgeous go and get him and create the need in him for you. Never wait for men to come to you because you may watch him leave with someone else.

• You may well have all the bodily functions of a man, just try not to demonstrate them early on.

• If you are wanting a child, don't mention it on the first few dates.

• Never ever criticize his mother unless you want to remain single.

Online Dating Rules

• Always let them come to you, don't chase via email

• Block anyone who annoys you instantly

• Place the best & most vampish photo up you can find

• Don't reply to instant messages with clever opening lines

• Remain aloof and let yourself be chased

• Always reply to emails at least 3 days after receipt

• Never provide you true email or phone details to the man

• Always date safely and protect yourself at every turn

• Make sure your login name is stunning and sexy as well as enigmatic

• Do not login for hours on end. Short, rapid visits are best

• Do not assume the man you are talking to is destitute or sad

• Never ever reply to emails at weekends, wait until a weekday

• Never state how good your sexual performance is in your profile

• If you don't want to date married men spell it out in your profile

• A man who doesn't reply to your email within 3 days should be ignored

• Make sure your humor levels come across in text

• Do not chat to hundreds of men at once, the delay in replying is a dead giveaway and your Mr. Right will be off.

• Don't even think about misrepresenting your size or description. They will find out.

• Come across as cool and sophisticated for best results